At
the Movies
"Star
Wars: A new Hope" reviewed
by Donald J. Trump
It was raining at Mar-A-Lago
so I couldn't play golf yesterday.
I couldn't believe it. I
pay
millions
of dollars, of which I don't
really pay anything, believe
me, to play golf at this
beautiful establishment,
you really ought to check
it out, and it's raining.
It doesn't rain like this
in North Korea, I can tell
you that. Rocket Boy tells
me he controls the weather
there
so that it's
always nice, especially when
he publicly executes the
press which, you know, I'd
never do even though the
media would love it if I
executed them. They'd love
nothing better than to write
fake news about their own
deaths,
which
would
be totally their own fault,
by the way.
All my friends...
you know
them,
Ike, Bruce, Marc... great
buncha guys, one of 'em owned
Spider-Guy until Disney bought
it for like a hundred billion
dollars, all said they were
busy making
the VA great
again so Melanie said the
family ought to watch a movie
together. I
don't personally care for
movies if I'm
not in them because they're
all losers, you know, I won't
have them in the house, but
Barron said he wanted to
watch this one called "Star
Wars", which he said was
a classic. I don't know where
he got it so I can't tell
you if he pirated it
or not
because
that's between him, me, and
Rudy Giuliani.
That title "Star Wars" really
threw me because I thought
it was gonna be about losers
like Clooney and Baldwin,
who aren't really great stars
like me, punching and punching
each other in a boxing ring,
which
would
be a very good idea even
though, as you all know,
I don't condone violence,
believe
me.
The movie was actually about
this big, really impressive
guy,
they called him Vader, dressed
all in black and he had all
these great
powers, like he could lift
his interns by the neck with
just his great mind, though
I would never ever think
of doing something like
that, and he had this huge
moon
that shot lasers out of its
eye and it could explode
whole planets, which was
really cool, not to mention
a whole fleet of
space battleships
that could just go zip-zoom-zap
and be in another part of space,
like in an instant. One of
those would save us billions
over
Air
Force One. Maybe I'll ask
Congress for one of those,
or maybe not. Who knows?
And,
would you believe it? This
Vader was the bad guy. He
could do, like, anything
he wanted
but some little chick, I
called her I Wanna Laya,
and some old guy named Wasabi
or something convinced some
other guys to wreck the laser-moon
by dropping a nuke down the
poop chute. It was terrifying
the way it
blew
up. Think
about how much that laser-moon
cost to build.
Those guys would have never
tried that if Putin built
it, I
tell
you that much.
So, to sum up, I think this
movie was a great argument
for a new Space Force. I
mean, if our military budget
has
proved anything it's that
you can't spend too much
money defending your giant
laser-moon, uh, I mean, American
freedoms
from poop-chute nukes.
Three stars.
--------------
I am the Red Hen. I am Maxine Waters.
I am Patricia Okoumou. I am Kristin
Mink. I am Robert De Niro. I am David
Hogg. I am Emma Gonzelez. I am Mike
Avenetti. I am Stormy Daniels. I
am Rachel Maddow. I am Pickaxe Guy.
I am LeBron James. I am Robert Mueller. I
am Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Fuck Trump.
=Lefty=
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